Imitations of Emotion
by Xezo
Summary: Severus stumbles across something that changes his life, and the war, forever. Past HP/DM, future HP/SS.
1. Prologue & Part 1

**Warning: **There is a bit of sex directly after the Prologue and there is adult language too.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

**A/N:** At the end.

* * *

**Imitations of Emotion**

**Prologue – He Who Creates Love, Shall Destroy Love**

Harry stared down at Severus with such utter lack of emotion that Severus found it no longer difficult to comprehend the situation.

Harry stood over him with a sword pressed against his neck. The sword was already coated in his blood. Strangely, Severus could no longer feel the wound in his side, as if his emotions were overpowering his pain. He stared at Harry with utter betrayal in his eyes. It was the sword Severus had given him, taught him to wield, when they'd realised swords could be made to conduct magic, and so had two uses in battle. They could be used as a focus and the user could cast magic without even moving the sword, or they could kill directly with it, as Harry was about to do.

"You didn't really think you could play the double-agent forever did you?" Harry spat.

Severus knew a rhetorical question when he heard one, but he felt compelled to answer, to try and explain.

"You don't understand, he-"

"Enough," Harry interrupted.

Severus physically flinched at the disgust in Harry's voice.

"Harry, is this really-" Hermione began tentatively.

"Yes, this is necessary," Harry roared at her. "This man is traitor! He murdered Dumbledore, he deserves to die for all the death he's caused."

Hermione sighed but did not protest further. The other onlookers watched with mixed feelings. Severus had seemed changed, now they wondered if it was a ploy all along. But all the same, they could not forget what a friend he had become, and yet they hated him for killing Dumbledore. They were all fighting contradictory emotions and were all thankful that Harry, and not they, would be the one to kill him.

Harry leaned closer until his words could be heard by Severus alone. Severus stared up at his killer with unmasked emotion, but despaired when Harry looked on unflinchingly, still poised to kill him.

"You should not have betrayed me, Severus," he said quietly, searching Severus' face, for what, Severus knew not. "I did love you, and this is difficult for me. I hope killing Dumbledore and hurting me this much makes your death worth it."

Harry drew back his arm and thrust the sword forward, his back to the crowd so they could not see his tears falling. Severus gasped and choked out a few incoherent words. Harry drew back, leaving the sword in him. He started at his former lover with tears rolling down his cheeks. It took every ounce of self control not to pull the sword out and heal him. Severus raised his eyes until they met Harry's, trying to convey his feelings, let Harry know he still loved him, but he could barely even see.

Harry used magic to dry the tears on his face and turned his back on Severus, leaving him alone to die, as the wound was not immediately fatal. A traitor deserved to bleed to death, and Severus had earned his traitors death a long time ago. He turned to the crowd of onlookers and gave them a disapproving look. Wordlessly they left to continue hunting down stray Death Eaters, and left Harry alone. Severus tried to say something but it was unintelligible. Harry turned back to look at him, even though it nearly killed him.

"I really can't believe you did this, Severus," he murmured. "I really thought you had changed, that you loved me. Or was it just lust, or an act to get closer to me? I can't even remember how this all started, but I won't ever forget how it ended, like I said, I hope whatever you were doing with me was worth it."

Harry turned and walked away, for good.

Severus stared after him, consumed by pain both physical and emotional. He remembered how it began, all too well. He supposed it all made sense, Harry had started their relationship, and so he was the one to end it, along with Severus' live. Severus closed his eyes and watched his life flash by; but all he saw was his murderer's face.

**Part 1; An Exposed Truth**

Severus stood staring in shock at the scene before him. Draco Malfoy, on a desk, on his back, legs over Harry Potter's, _Harry Potter's_, shoulders.

A Malfoy, on his back.

That was more shocking than seeing two students having sex. Potter being dominant was another shock, but then the brat did do whatever he wanted.

As it was, Potter was lazily thrusting while smirking rather shockingly at Malfoy's reactions, his threats for more.

"Potter, I swear if you don't go faster!" Malfoy moaned.

"And you'll do what if I don't?" Potter asked insolently.

He leant forward until his face was millimetres from Draco's, not breaking his pace in the slightest.

"Beg some more?"

Severus found the situation far too disturbing and interesting to let it stop and did not announce his sudden presence. Aside from the strangeness of their roles, the fact it was those two students in particular made it stranger. Their animosity was well known. It was true that during that year there had been less and less incidents between them, but for this to be happening?

"I do not beg!" Draco ground out while refraining from moaning and doing just that.

Potter smirked and made a particularly deep thrust and stayed there, presumably pressed strongly against Malfoy's prostate. Malfoy let out a moan so long and low that Severus himself was affected. Potter stayed there, in an impressive show of self-control for a teenager, covered in droplets of sweat, leaning over Malfoy with that same arrogant smirk on his face.

Severus found Potter's form disturbingly erotic. The control and dominance radiating from Potter was alarmingly strong.

Malfoy continued to let out breathy moans on every exhalation. He fidgeted, breath getting shallow from the pressure. Stopping in the middle of sex, on such a sensitive spot was remarkably cruel. Malfoy would be unable to handle it, no man would. Enough pressure to feel good yet not nearly enough movement, he would beg, and Potter would win. A fight for dominance, even though it was clear that Potter had it. Severus found the entire scene fascinating.

"Harry," Malfoy whimpered.

Potter lowered his head and sucked absently on Malfoy's neck, humming his acknowledgment.

"This isn't fair, Potter," Malfoy gasped.

Potter pulled back and smirked again. His hair was hanging limp around his face, this combined with the smirk, the golden tone of his skin, and the dominance he exuded, he looked every inch a sex God.

"Please, Harry, move," Malfoy begged, shifting his hips a little.

Potter chuckled and began moving again. Malfoy was a mess and Severus didn't blame him. Potter was just....

Severus blinked, seeing this, it made him want potter. He gasped at this realisation, horror covering his face. Harry looked over at the sound and paled a little, but didn't stop. His eyes swept briefly over Severus, before something sparked in them, some kind of realisation. Malfoy was so lost he never even noticed. Severus was frozen in his tracks.

Potter stared at him, his head and hair moving slightly with every thrust. His eyes were so dark they were barely recognisable as green. He didn't moan but made breathy gasps every now and then that were like liquid heat shooting to Severus' cock. Severus knew his own eyes would have darkened and his breathing would have become erratic, no doubt Potter had noticed as the same smirk graced his lips again.

Severus wanted him, and Potter knew it. Severus wanted to touch himself so badly, to ease the pressure, to do something. But his voyeurism was bad enough as it was. To get off on two students having sex was disgraceful, although Malfoy wasn't even a part of the equation anymore. Potter's eyes were telling Severus that he wasn't just fucking Malfoy.

And when Potter climaxed, Severus nearly did so himself.

Potter arched his back and threw his head back in a way that just invited someone towards his neck, the most vulnerable and sensual part of a person's body, in Severus' opinion. He let out a deep moan low in his throat and every perfectly toned muscle of his body tensed.

Severus hurriedly left the room before he would be confronted by Potter, and shaking from a need so severe he could barely wait to reach his rooms but also couldn't bear to do anything about it. It was just far too perverted to get himself off on that image. Severus didn't think he'd ever be able to look at Potter again without losing control. No teenage should ever do that to an adult, no teenager should look like that.

Except that it was Potter, and Potter was the exception to every rule, and if he wasn't the exception, he'd break the rule.

---

The morning after Severus had seen Malfoy and Potter fucking in an empty classroom was very difficult for him. He sat at the staff table, very on edge. He had spent the better half of the night standing under a freezing shower to no avail and then eventually succumbing to his desire and utterly shaming himself by masturbating to Potter. So far the boy hadn't entered the great hall, although the Malfoy brat was there, boasting about his conquest to Parkinson, and it seemed like it wasn't the first time. But strangely, Severus hadn't overheard anything like it before. Or perhaps he had just blocked it out before.

---

"Is he really that great?" Zabini was asking Malfoy.

"I've already told you, he'd a God in the sack, best fuck I've had in a long time, and that includes you," Malfoy smirked. "But last night was different, he was better than ever, although he came sooner than usual, not that I'm complaining, I always come before him anyway."

"Surely you don't think he's the best fuck if he's topping?" Pansy asked. "I thought you hated being submissive."

"I'm not submissive!" Draco snapped, earning the attention of quite a lot of people.

Severus was actually surprised, for all that Draco boasted to his year in Slytherin, no word of his trysts with Harry could be heard anywhere. Nearly everyone in the school knew he had a male lover, but none knew who it was, with the exception of his closest lackeys. This loyalty to Potter was surprising from such a group of people. But then so were the events of the previous night.

"It is possible to top from the bottom, in some cases," Pansy said diplomatically.

Draco glanced around, and noticing they had an audience, censored the rest of his conversation so Harry would not be mentioned by name or anything recognisable.

"He won't ever let the situation out of his control. He refuses point blank to bottom and won't even let me on top of him, not even during foreplay. He's got some weird hang-ups when it comes to submissiveness. But he is a sex God, so I'm not complaining."

Pansy looked around. After confirming that no one was listening anymore, she added in a low voice "That's understandable though, considering how controlled his life has always been. It's always been either Dumbledore or Voldemort determining what happens to him. He's forever the metaphorical bottom in every situation, always taking orders and having his decisions made for him, even against his will. It makes perfect sense for him to seize control in the only way he can."

"I know that," Draco snapped. "Why do you think I put up with it? Besides, it's only casual fucking, we're not in an emotional relationship, regardless of the trust and respect."

The conversation at the Slytherin table quickly deteriorated after that. Severus found the entire thing very interesting, although he had another theory on why Potter wouldn't let anyone on top of him. As a member of the Order of the Phoenix, Severus knew that Harry regularly saw through Voldemort's eyes. The Order had been active since the end of Harry's first year of Hogwarts, although they were yet to make their activity public, better for Voldemort to think he was widely unopposed after the tournament. Voldemort frequently had those who displeased him raped, and since his ranks were mostly populated by men....

Although Potter was obviously a born dominant anyway.

Severus nearly choked on his toast as he realised he was, again, thinking of a student in a far too unprofessional way. Minerva gave him a strange look, as if she sensed his sudden self-loathing. He felt more disgusting than he had during his voyeurism the previous night. At least then he had no choice of what he thought, it was right in front of him, but now....

Every thought in his head was completely wiped out a few seconds later when the Sex God in question walked through the door. Severus' hand tightened unconsciously around his goblet as he watched Potter walk towards his friends. How he had never noticed how Potter moved was beyond him, but he noticed now. The way Potter held himself exuded confidence and he moved his hips a little more widely than necessary as he walked. Severus had always thought that the boy sauntered, but it was more than that.

Severus had also never noticed how all of Potter's shirt collars were absent, giving an unobstructed view of the boys neck and collarbone. Severus whimpered suddenly, remembering that neck being bared as Potter reached his climax, letting out that glorious moan.

Severus quickly looked away and downed his pumpkin juice in one gulp. God save him, he was lusting over the Golden Child.

---

Potions was almost excruciating that day. Potter screwed up his potion almost right away, suspiciously early in fact, and Severus forced him to sit in the corner as punishment, childish of course, but at least he was far away from Severus as he stalked around the room. Only that seemed to have backfired on him, spectacularly.

Potter was watching him.

He could feel the boy's eyes on him wherever he went and this was making him heat up almost unbearably. He knew that the second he turned and caught those eyes, he'd lose it. In fact he already was losing it. He was going insane. He shouldn't have stayed the previous night, he should have announced his presence, yelled at them, deducted house points, handed out detentions, and then left before he could appreciate Potter's form. But _no_. Like a perverted imbecile he'd stayed.

The class seemed to drag on forever and not once did Potter's eyes leave Severus' back. Once, Severus had slipped up. He'd felt Potter's eyes lower, and just knew he was looking at his ass. He'd turned, completely appalled and not wanting Potter looking at him at all. Immediately Potter raised his eyes and there they stayed, staring into his. Severus couldn't even move.

The last time he had looked directly into those eyes, Potter had been pounding into Malfoy and then coming with that delicious moan and baring of the neck. Severus felt his eyes darken and his heart quicken. He was completely consumed with lust, and Potter was making it happen. The brat was even smirking at him. If Longbottom hadn't suddenly screamed Severus didn't know what he might have done.

As it were, Severus detached himself from Potter's gaze and swept over to Neville to find out what he had done. After taking far more points than were necessary and handing out a completely over the line detention, Severus stalked back to his desk and buried himself in paperwork, ignoring every student after that and pointedly ignoring the shivers Potter's gaze caused.

When class was over he dismissed everyone without even looking up, which was why he didn't notice Potter stay.

"I would never have picked you for a voyeur, Snape," Potter said conversationally, leaning against the desk in front of Severus' desk.

Instantly Severus tensed up. Why couldn't Potter just leave it alone? Was it some form of revenge? Wasn't wanting the boy punishment enough for past sins?

"I'm also surprised you didn't stop us, enjoying the show too much?"

Severus looked up and gave Potter his most evil glare. It slid off his face a few seconds later as he noticed Potter was leaning back against the desk and his robes were open, revealing the fact his shirt had pulled up a little. Severus' eyes were anchored to that small patch of golden skin.

"Don't flatter yourself, Potter!" Severus snapped when he had finally gained enough self-control to look away. He decided to ignore the fact it had taken him several minutes to do so.

Glancing at Potter's face, he found the boy was amused, thought not too openly so. Mostly the brat looked curious. He was probably wondering what Severus would do to him, if he had the chance. No one in their right mind would turn down Potter after seeing a performance like that. Reducing a Malfoy to not only submissiveness, but begging also, an impossible feat. A fact Severus only knew because Lucius enjoyed flaunting his affairs, many of which were with men, his father had been just the same too, all Malfoys were.

"Wouldn't think of it, you're eyes are doing that for me," Harry smirked.

Severus glared at him for his insolence but couldn't think of a comeback fast enough. There was no denying that he was looking at Potter in such a way, it was impossible to draw his eyes away from the boy.

It got worse a few seconds later.

Potter ran a hand down his own chest to the bottom of his shirt and then lifted the hem.

Again, Severus' eyes were drawn to the perfect skin revealed to him. Potter then lowered the hand and pulled one of the edges of his pants down, revealing part of his hip, causing Severus to actually whimper.

"Look at my face, Snape," he commanded huskily.

Severus immediately did so, to his complete embarrassment. Taking orders from Potter, what next, advice from Longbottom?

His eyes met Potters, which had darkened to that lust-green shade he'd seen the night before.

"See? Your eyes are flattering me perfectly fine," he murmured voice still seductively low.

Potter pushed himself off the desk and walked forward, eyes still locked with Severus'. Before he could get too close, Severus shut his eyes and broke the contact. He forced every emotion and thought deep within himself and constructed a wall around them.

"Get out, Potter!" he ordered sharply, surprised he hadn't sounded weak.

Potter's footsteps stopped. Severus didn't dare open his eyes again. For a while Potter must have just stood there staring at him, eventually his footsteps headed towards the door and he was gone.

Severus exhaled shakily and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk and his head in his hands. He wanted Potter, and had no idea what to do about it, or why the boy was tormenting him like that.

He wanted _Potter_!

It wasn't the fact he was suddenly lusting after a male that really bothered him, although he had never done so before he wasn't exactly opposed to the idea, having heard so many tales from Lucius about the merits of a homosexual affair. It wasn't even that he was lusting over a teenager, he could easily deal with that and use the guilt to steer himself away.

It was the fact that it was Potter.

This sexual attraction he had towards the Potter brat was extremely detrimental to his mental health in so many ways.

Over the course of one night, Severus had gone from loathing the boy in the most extreme way possible, to wanting to hunt him down, throw him onto a bed and ravish him, or the much more appealing and realistic course of action – let Potter ravish him. This complete about face of his feelings was making him question his sanity, a thing he hadn't done since defecting to the Order. He knew that if this continued, it would not take long for someone else to notice, and almost no time at all for Dumbledore to notice, which would _not_ be good.

Although he hadn't really given it any thought, he'd always imagined that he would be dominant if he ever did take a male lover. Seeing Potter and Malfoy he had realised that he was probably a submissive, because he knew that he would give anything to take Malfoy's place under someone so obviously talented, Potter or not. But Severus had witnessed a lot of rape due to being a Death Eater, he'd been very lucky not to be subjected to it himself. He didn't think he'd be able to handle being in that position unless he fully trusted the man above him.

And then there was the main problem. The incident was making him think too much. Not only was he considering Potter in a light he never, ever should, he was completely reconsidering nearly everything he thought he knew about himself. Severus was sure that Potter would never lower himself to fucking him, due to their history, but Severus was thinking over it anyway. It wasn't hope, clearly, but some part of him was thinking _what if?_

It had to stop.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey, this is a new story of mine, first time I've written a Sev/Harry or anything Sev-Centric. I've got a few parts done already so if I get good feedback I'll post the next part fairly soon.

Please leave feedback if you liked it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2 – Determination and Resignation**

Potter wasn't fucking Malfoy anymore.

This news caused a fist of ice to clench around Severus' internal organs. It wasn't just the news of course, which he overheard from the Slytherin table, it was the fact Potter was still watching him.

It had been ten days since he stumbled across Potter and Malfoy and since then Potter was always watching him, although he had never approached him again. Severus had become more and more mentally derailed over the situation, and Dumbledore had noticed, though he had no idea of the cause. The senile headmaster believed that Severus was undergoing some kind of midlife crisis over his continued spy status. Severus decided to allow this suspicion, finding it the safer alternative, although by no means was it beneficial to him for Dumbledore to think that.

A lot was riding on Severus spying for the Order, if Dumbledore thought he was having difficulty, he would step in. But Dumbledore's well-meaning actions had the habit of worsening matters. Dumbledore really had no idea how much the Order actually relied on Severus' information. No one liked to say it, but Dumbledore was simply getting too old. They slowly left more out of meetings and relayed what was missing outside of their leader's knowledge. No one liked this, Severus in particular, but it couldn't be helped.

Voldemort trusted Severus above all the other Death Eaters. Only Severus was aware of the reason behind this trust, and he had never quite known what to do about it. No other Death Eater could know because it put Voldemort at risk, and no Order member could know because then Severus would be at risk. Severus never voiced his worries or assumptions about the favour, and no one ever asked. Sometimes he was afraid to know what they all thought about it. All they knew was that he was privy to information no other was, information that could bring Voldemort down. However, because he was the only one Voldemort trusted with this information, he could not share it. The Order members understood this, and agreed to keep it from Dumbledore. They all understood, although Dumbledore did not, that losing Severus as a spy would lose them the war.

So it was only because he had no alternative that Severus let Dumbledore believe he was having a crisis over his spy status, rather than having the headmaster know he was lusting after a student, and such an important one at that.

Of course Potter didn't help matters.

Although the boy hadn't done anything like the day he had stayed behind in potions, he hadn't let up his observance of Severus. There was no one in the school who wasn't aware of this, however, Severus was the only one who saw through the mask of loathing and understood the intensity in Potter's eyes. For a while Severus had feared the Malfoy brat would understand but he had not.

During Severus' contemplation of the situation, Potter had just made his entrance. It was Saturday so he wasn't wearing uniform.

Severus dropped his fork and quickly looked away, seizing his goblet and downing it in one gulp.

It seemed Potter was on the prowl.

The boy was wearing pants so tight it was impossible to discern where they ended and his skin began. They weren't even leather, they were some kind of material that looked as soft as skin, in a tone of green no one had seen before.

Severus choked on thin air. They were the shade Potter's eyes were when he....

Severus promptly snapped the base of his goblet while trying very hard not to picture the golden boy climaxing while looking right into his eyes.

A whimper escaped him.

Malfoy noticed the shade and went a soft pinkish colour and hastily downed his own drink.

Aside from the pants, Potter was wearing a buttoned shirt of the same material but in black. The top few buttons were undone, revealing the golden skin beneath and the necklace Potter was wearing, which appeared to be some kind of charm in the shape of a tear drop. Potter turned to look at something behind him and everyone saw the back of the shirt had something embroidered on the back in the same shade of green as the pants. It was something intertwined.

Severus choked yet again.

Hidden among the swirling lines was an eye, an eye that was an exact replica of how Potter's looked as he climaxed....

Severus promptly uttered a spell to super-cool his pants.

Potter's hair, as unruly as ever, made the entire outfit all the more provocative. It looked like he was just begging for someone to ravish him.

Adorning his arm was a living snake bred specifically for the purpose. And he seemed to be talking to it, but was too far away for Severus to hear.

When Potter turned back around his eyes went straight to Severus', and that was when the Professor understood. Potter was on the prowl alright, for him.

The design on the back of his shirt was very fancy magic. The eye could only be seen by those who had seen Potter's eyes looking just like that, to everyone else it was just an elaborate design, quite possibly snakes but too twisted to fully make out. Obviously Severus wouldn't be the only one in the hall who saw the eye, but it was well rumoured that once Potter was done with a lover, he was done. Severus had overheard that in Malfoy's explanation to Parkinson. So if he was using the eye to seduce someone, it could only be Severus, who had seen it without being involved.

Severus quickly glanced across the staff table and then let out a sigh of relief. None of the other teachers had noticed his very suspicious reactions, they were all in varied forms of shock over the inappropriate state of Potter's outfit.

Severus shot Potter a glare that held every obscene phrase meaning 'NO', before making an exit as quickly as possible.

---

Severus holed himself up in his office for the rest of the day. He simply didn't trust himself not to do anything rash. He could not understand Potter's motives though. Was it some kind of elaborate prank? No, the incident in his classroom was no act, there was too much curiosity for it to be planned. But why would Potter be interested in an unattractive Professor when he could have anyone? The boy had clearly gone mad.

Severus sighed heavily. He had a meeting with Alastor Moody in a few minutes and he really wasn't in the mood. Of course the only thing he was in the mood for was sex thanks to Potter's performance with Malfoy being permanently etched into his brain. He considered taking a lover to relieve some of his tension but tossed the idea aside almost immediately, he couldn't afford a lover with his spy status to worry about.

He was jolted from his thoughts a minute later when his fireplace flared up and Moody stepped into the room. He shook himself off and took the seat in front of Severus without a greeting, getting straight down to business, as was his way.

"You need to meet with Potter," he ordered, pouring himself a healthy amount of whisky without asking.

Severus paled remarkable fast and he quickly repressed the thoughts that welled up about the boy. Whatever he had been expecting from the meeting, it hadn't been that.

"Why?" he asked, barely masking the strain in his voice.

"It's time to include him, he has figured out that we exist and is asking questions. Better to hear straight from the source that anything a non-member might say," Moody snapped. "We also can't afford Voldemort hearing rumours about us."

"Why me? You should be the one to induct him, because that is obviously well overdue. The boy hates me."

"Maybe, but you are our leader."

"Since when!" Snape roared after a slight pause.

"Since we decided that Albus is no longer sharp enough for the position," Moody explained before lowering his head, looking ashamed. "None of us like this, Severus, but he is becoming a liability. He should never have kept Potter in the dark all these years, and he certainly shouldn't have been sending him back to those muggles to create excess hate in his life. We feel that you are the best person for leadership, aside from Potter himself."

Severus stared at him blankly. He had known for a long time that Albus was out, but he had assumed Moody was next in line, already taking over, in fact. As leader, especially placed inside the school, Severus would be the link to Potter.

He quickly poured himself a drink and gulped it down.

"I can't, Alastor," he said weakly. "The boy hates me and I him."

"Believe me," Alastor sighed. "We know that. But you know more than any of us, we know you don't tell us everything, that you can't tell us everything. We also know that Potter is the key, but you are the key-maker."

"How so?" Severus asked, eyes narrowed. "If you think I will take Albus' place in manipulating the boy, you are severely mistaken."

"Of course not, Severus," Alastor said quickly. "I mean, since you know more about Voldemort than the rest of us, and his future plans, you are the best choice to train him to fight, to prepare him for what lies ahead."

Severus downed another glass. The situation was bad. He could not turn down leadership, he knew he was really the only person suitable for it, regardless of the fact he really didn't want to. But to be alone with Potter on a regular basis?

The gods were toying with him.

But he had to, he knew he had to. Only he could truly prepare Potter and ensure victory. Without Severus' knowledge on Voldemort, Potter could never beat him. Severus hated this, but he knew it to be true.

"When would I meet with him?" he asked in resignation.

"Tonight, in your rooms," Moody said, missing Severus' flinch. "He'll come down under his invisibility cloak."

Indeed, he was the Gods' new plaything.

"How much do I tell him?" he asked, voice now noticeably strained.

"Everything, Severus. He is to defeat Voldemort, you can hide nothing from him."

Severus raised an eyebrow, surely Moody didn't really think that?

"Well, unless it is beneficial to strategy to keep something from him," Moody amended.

"Very well," Severus sighed and waved Moody away, knowing that was all he had come for.

Once Moody was gone, Severus nearly cried from it all. Having Potter alone in his rooms was not good, definitely not good. But he was determined not to let anything happen. Potter was his student, there were some lines that were just not crossed.

Severus pointedly ignored the part of him that was reminding him of his voyeurism. That line had been crossed... but easily fixed, it was simple not to do it again. But the new line before him, it could not be crossed without permanent consequences.

---

Potter stepped through Severus' door and then stepped back as if he had been struck. He stared at Severus with a most curious expression before closing the door behind him and taking a seat. Severus knew the flinch had been caused by the many wards he had placed on his room, many of which he had known Potter would sense. The boy was powerful, there was no denying that.

Potter quickly glanced around the room and then back to Severus. Severus recognised the sweep of the room, he'd been noting everything, checking like a spy. Severus was glad he wasn't inducting a complete idiot.

"Mr. Potter," Severus began, causing Potter to flinch again, and this time Severus did not understand the reason. "You know why you are here. I will answer any and all questions you have about the Order of the Phoenix, and then induct you into its ranks.

"You put a lust dampener on the room?" Potter asked curiously.

Severus now understood the flinch, though he would never understand why his voice did that to people.

"I thought it necessary to take precautions, I'm sure I don't need to explain why," Severus said, thankful for the charm since Potter was wearing the same clothes that had ignited his lust earlier that day.

Potter nodded absently, accepting and observing. Severus didn't like that at all. Potter was analysing him.

Potter raised a hand and touched the necklace around his neck.

"Why won't my charm work anymore?" he asked, now looking a little anxious.

"For me to answer I need to know what the charm does," Severus asked, eyeing it with interest.

"It allows me to see a person's Aura of Intent," Potter explained. "It flared with heat when I entered the room, informing me that it had been interfered with and I can't see any colour around you."

Severus' eyes widened. The necklace allowed Potter to see what a person intended to do with him if they were ever alone by showing the colour of that person's emotions towards him. Black for hate, green for friendship, silver for respect, blue for neutrality and indifference, purple for love, and red for lust. Such a charm was beyond price and the spells used to create it nearly impossible to master. There were only a recorded three in existence and there had been no word of the removal of them, as they all resided in either museums or academies, being such exceptional examples of magic. They had no official name that Severus knew of.

"I honestly don't know, Potter," he said in disbelief. "No magic I could do would affect it, although maybe a mixture of the wards I have...."

Severus trailed off trying to figure it out.

"Maybe a combination of the lust dampener, your lust, and the wards you have against any kind of Legilimency?" Potter wondered out loud.

"I do not lust after you!" Severus snapped, even though they both knew he did, and Severus had all but admitted it earlier.

"You've been glowing red since you saw me fucking Malfoy, it clearly doesn't bother me, so there's no point in denying it," Potter said kindly, much to Severus' surprise.

"Is that why you have the charm? So you can find who'd be interested in a fuck?" Severus snapped, not liking the direction the conversation was going and talking before thinking, as was his habit when he was nervous.

"I have it so I know who I can trust and who is trying to kill me. I acquired it after last year, the fake Moody taught me that much," Potter said quietly, not taking offence. "I have set aside any and all prejudices until I know a person, and not just a person's public persona."

"Where did you get it? Do you know how rare those are?" Severus asked, curiosity overwhelming him. He also took note of Potter's last statement, it explained his even temper where he would normally have already lost control of his anger.

"I'd rather not say, not until I can trust you," Potter said uncomfortably. "And I do know how rare they are."

Severus blinked. That was unexpected.

"Surely my Aura is not black, has never been black," he asked, dumbfounded. He had hated Potter, but never had he actually wished the boy harm and the hate required to turn a person's Aura black demanded violent thoughts and wishes.

"No," Potter murmured. "But there are no traces of silver, trust is not possible without respect and a pure red Aura gives way too easily to black."

"Are you saying Draco Malfoy respects you?" Severus asked incredulously.

"It is none of your business, but Draco's Aura was silver and blue before becoming green and then red."

Severus would have given anything for the charm around Potter's neck and he wanted desperately for Potter to tell him where he acquired it. It didn't seem fair that a fifteen year old should have one of the rarest charms in the world, although who that fifteen year old was overrode the unfairness a little.

"Maybe my strength at Occlumency is what caused it to stop working," he wondered out loud. "I can keep both Voldemort and Dumbledore out of my head so it makes sense that I can prevent this charm from working."

"Except for the fact it has worked on you before," Potter pointed out.

Severus scowled at him, just when he thought he had understood. He wordlessly waved his wand, breaking the lust dampener.

Potter blinked.

"You're red again."

Severus closed his eyes and concentrated on dampening his emotions himself. Usually he let them reign free, although he still did tend to keep his thoughts fairly dampened, knowing his face gave little away and no one could break into his mind. It made sense that the charm could see, since it read the Aura radiating from him without going into his mind. So if he forced his emotions into a small area of his mind and closed them off....

"It stopped working again, like in potions," Potter said. "What did you do?"

Severus opened his eyes. In potions? Of course, he had closed his eyes and reigned in his lust so he wouldn't do anything stupid and told Potter to leave, so that was why the boy had lingered.

"I can keep anyone and anything out of my mind but that charm reads an Aura, which is outside of your skin and hovering just there. I can't block it unless I reign in my emotions and put a wall around them," Severus explained. "I'd like to get my ha-"

"That's why you're pure red," Potter suddenly murmured, almost to himself. "Emotions are tied to thoughts and easily controlled through something like Occlumency, but also easily eclipsed by a physical thing such as lust. You're accustomed to censoring your thoughts but not such a thing as lust since it is more physical and physiological than a normal emotion."

"Which means," Severus said slowly. "Until I trust you enough or feel comfortable enough around you to let my guard down you won't truly see my intent, only one part of it."

"And I won't trust you until I see this, and trust is mutual," Potter added.

"So it's a cycle and we are never going to trust one another," Severus finished. "That is going to complicate things."

"Well, we are going to be having frequent meetings, maybe some trust building techniques? They might help a little," Potter suggested, not willing to give up.

"What colour would your Aura be towards me?" Severus suddenly asked.

Potter stared at him, seeming outraged at being asked something so personal when it had already been established that there was no trust between them. Then he seemed to deflate a little, it wasn't fair that he saw Severus' intent towards him and not let Severus see his, and he knew it.

"A mixture of silver, blue, and red," he answered shortly.

After a long silence it seemed Harry felt that since he had suggested trust building, he should begin, and elaborated.

"I respect you as a teacher and as such, I do trust you to a certain extent, but not enough. I'm neutral to you, feeling not enough friendship or hate to sway into green or black. Red, well, that's obvious enough."

Severus snorted disbelievingly at the red, not believing it was obvious at all.

"But, we've completely lost the focus of this meeting," Potter continued. "From now on you will call me Harry, so as to lessen formality and encourage trust. I will call you Severus, and there is to be no discussion on this."

Severus raised an eyebrow, Potter was definitely dominant in everything, and the way he did things made it impossible to think of going against him.

Potter and dominant in the same sentence wasn't good though.

The boy raised an eyebrow and Severus' Aura obviously flared red again. Potter probably thought he was extremely sexually frustrated, like newly escaped from prison and unable to control himself.

"Now, the Order of Phoenix," Potter said finally, after watching Severus' Aura for a while. "Tell me everything you can. I have a lot of questions, especially concerning Dumbledore."

Severus winced at the way Potter had said the former leader's name. Clearly he was aware of Dumbledore keeping him in the dark, and how he had been manipulated. It was going to be a long, uncomfortable, night.

---

Not long after Potter had left, Severus called Moody back into his office. He quickly outlined how the meeting had gone and asked him to pass on the news of their new member. It went without saying to keep it from Dumbledore for as long as possible, if not forever. Moody gave him a smug look before leaving again.

Severus sat down at his desk with a tiredness he had not felt for a long time. The meeting with Potter had gone on for hours, and every second of those hours was spent forcing his thoughts to stay within safe topics and to keep the red glow of his Aura as dim as possible.

It did not help matters that Potter was wearing such clothes. The shirt clung to his body, moulded to every muscle, flaunting the effects of five years of competitive flying. Potter also had a nervous habit of playing with his necklace, which drew Severus' attention to the boy's neck. The meeting was torture, and more so because Severus knew Potter had planned it to be that way, else he would have changed clothes.

They had already finalised the time of their next meeting, and only four days away. Severus didn't want to think about being shut up in a room with the boy again. His only consolation was that the future meetings would not be as long, just relaying information. They had decided that he wouldn't begin Potter's training until the next Hogsmeade weekend so that the boy had time to recover. At least the brat knew what he was getting himself into.

Severus wished he could say the same.

* * *

**A/N:** So here's another chap done. I don't know if Harry's charm is fitting or not, but I figure after the fake Moody he could have used something like that so I made something up. This is unbeta'ed so if there are any errors, please let me know!

Let me know what you think =]

-Xezo


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Sorry I took so long with this, it's 5000+ words so I hope that makes up for it.

Thanks to niccoyne12 for beta'ing this for me, especially since I was pretty insecure about this chap!

**Part 3 – Understanding and Acceptance**

Potter fell to the floor yet again, limbs tangled, quietly crying out in pain.

Severus lowered his wand but did not lower his guard. He had been training Potter for four weeks now, and the boy took every opportunity to catch his opponent off guard. He never gave up, even when an ordinary wizard would have passed out long ago. Severus supposed this trait was what had allowed him to survive Voldemort for so long, although it could just be that he refused to handicap himself with honour when fighting. Severus decided it must be the latter.

The lump that was Potter shifted until the boy untangled himself to lie on his back and look up at Severus. He smiled weakly before Severus was blasted off his feet and into the wall behind him.

Severus picked himself up with a wince and mentally congratulated Potter for taking advantage of the fact Severus was unaware he could cast wandless magic. That meant one less this to teach him. He glanced at the wall and repaired the cracks his impact had caused.

"When did you learn that?" he asked wearily, sitting down beside Potter and ending the session.

"Going into a fight without knowing how to cast wandlessly is suicide, you told me that a long time ago, Severus," Potter said, still breathing heavily from exertion. "You lose your wand at a critical moment, you're dead. Although it takes too much energy to use it often or powerfully."

"Never thought you'd listen to me when I said it," Severus commented absently, shuddering slightly from the use of his given name, as he always did.

It may have been over five weeks since his lust for Potter had begun, but it was far from over. He had no idea how he restrained himself anymore, but somehow he did. Potter hadn't given up, but he didn't do anything drastic. The most he had done was ensure that Severus would see him without clothes on. That had been a disaster very barely averted. Although Severus should have known better than to assume Potter was done showering simply because he couldn't hear the shower through the door, as he usually did, and he shouldn't have opened the door thinking Potter had already left. He also should never have let Potter shower in his rooms in the first place. He wasn't entirely sure he'd left that incident with his pride intact, blushing was not dignified.

"Nice show, hasn't been that bright since.... you're remembering last week, aren't you?" Potter asked amusedly, giving Severus' Aura a once over.

"You arrogance knows no bounds, Potter," Severus snapped idly.

"Harry," Potter insisted. "It would be easier for you to remember if you thought about me by that name."

They had been through this many times before. Harry was so insistent on this but Severus was having great difficulty. He often wondered if Harry really was unaware of how hard it was for Severus to be around him.

"Sometimes the last name has a more dramatic effect, Harry."

"Sure, whatever you say. Bye the way, I think we should move on to hand to hand combat now."

Severus gulped. He had been avoiding that training, hoping he would stop lusting after Potter – Harry – enough to bear physical contact without embarrassing himself. It seemed he wouldn't get that chance. Pot – Harry had advanced as far as he was going to with their other combat techniques, they was only that left to learn.

Potter sensed Severus' hesitation and rolled himself over and sat up until his face was inches from his teacher's.

"Come on, I'm sure you won't mind physical combat all that much," he said. "Unless you don't trust your self-control."

Severus narrowed his eyes and forced himself not to move. Leaning back would be a sign of defeat, leaning forward...well, it was best not to think about it.

He probably should have expected this. The boy had been quiet since the incident the previous week and had forgone the provocative clothing he usually wore, a fact that had not escaped Severus's notice. He should have known Potter would directly challenge him eventually.

Harry began to lean forward, pushing the boundaries for once. His eyes had darkened and that was enough to make Severus nearly give in. Red wasn't the colour of lust, it was the green staring him down, Severus knew that without a doubt now. As soon as he caught sight of Harry's eyes in that particular shade....

He leaned back and looked away.

"Harry, stop it, you promised you wouldn't," he said quietly.

"Why not?" Harry asked, leaning forward further and hovering over Severus' neck, but only just not touching his skin. He could see the tremor caused by his breath ghosting over Severus' neck and smirked.

"You're out of your mind," Severus murmured, voice getting quieter.

Severus closed his eyes and tried not to think about Harry, or those eyes, or that body.... he quickly opened his eyes again and focused on a point in the distance.

"You aren't the way you see yourself, Severus," Harry murmured back. "How many times must I tell you that?"

"Many times more. I don't trust you, Potter, it's lust and nothing more, it will go away if you let it. I don't want _you_, just your body. You don't fuck people you don't trust, remember?" Severus asked, trying to form coherent sentences and failing.

"You're silver, green, and red now, Severus," Harry muttered.

Severus blinked. He couldn't remember thinking of Po – Harry as a friend, the change must have gone by unnoticed. He was drawn out of his thoughts a few seconds later as Harry's lips brushed against his skin.

His eyes drifted shut and he tensed up even further. He had to resist. He had to find the will to resist, but it was becoming more and more difficult as time passed. He reached deep into the self-control he had perfected over his life and pushed Harry away with a spell.

Without looking back he bolted from the room in a very undignified manner.

---

At dinner that night Severus propped his head on his hands and rested his elbows on either side of his plate. He glared sullenly over the gathered students, especially at the Gryffindors. For a while there he had actually believed Harry would stop trying to make him lose grip of his self control. Now that he knew Harry was still actively pursuing him he began thinking of the things he had not allowed himself to think of before.

Harry seemed to think bedding Severus was not complicated, but it was, and very much so. Harry could not bear to have another male on top of him, even during foreplay; Severus believed this to be a result of witnessing so much rape through Voldemort's eyes. But if Harry was like that after only having seen the rape second hand, what would Severus be like in that situation having actually witnessed the directly? He did not believe he would be comfortable handing control over to anyone while putting himself in such a vulnerable position, and he knew Harry wouldn't either.

All this told him was that he needed to talk to Harry about it, to make him understand how it would not work. It seemed that reminding the boy of the age difference was pointless, so perhaps the dominance issue would drive home that it just wasn't going to happen.

If it didn't make Harry see the light, then there was only one other option, and Severus didn't even want to think about that.

So Severus would bring up the issues at their next training session and hope that Harry would accept the fact they weren't ever going to have sex. Severus really didn't see why Harry wouldn't accept this when he could easliy have uncomplicated sex with just about anyone else.

Severus picked at his food for a few more minutes before throwing his fork down in disgust and leaving. He couldn't wait until their next training session, he'd have to find Harry that night.

---

"Go to hell!"

Severus walked backwards until he was standing in the doorway he had just passed; he'd found Harry.

"Why won't you tell me? I'm your best mate!" Ron Weasley was saying indignantly.

"My sex life is my business, Ron," Harry spat. "Why would I tell you when you use the information to win money in bets!?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, this he had not heard of.

"I'll share the money with you!" Ron said desperately. "It's up to seven galleons right now, come on, everyone is dying to know who you've been screwing this time!"

"It's no one's business but mine and the person involved!" Harry yelled back. "Besides, I'm not screwing anyone at the moment!"

"Who were you screwing then? Why won't you tell, you said yourself that you only loved two of the people you were with and they were all ages ago, if it's just sex then why do either of you care?"

Severus suppressed a smirk, Ron Weasley was a very stupid boy. He clearly knew nothing about his own 'best mate' if he thought Harry would actually tell him anything so he could broadcast it for some quick cash. He briefly wondered if Weasley even knew Harry fucked mostly boys and not girls, probably not considering Harry wasn't making any gender references.

Severus watched the argument escalate before deciding to step in before Harry wandlessly cast something he would regret later.

"Mr. Potter, detention for such distasteful language."

Harry had been swearing quite profusely toward the end of the argument, Weasley had too but that was insignificant. Severus now had the chance he needed to talk to Harry alone.

"What!" Weasley gaped. "You can't do that!"

"Don't worry, Ron, I'd rather be in detention with him than here with you," Harry snapped cruelly before walking out the doorway, purposefully, and boldly, brushing against Severus on his way past, Severus followed a few seconds later.

Ron stood staring after them, thoroughly confused by what had happened. Why had Snape only given Harry detention? And why had Harry not shuddered when he came in contact with the slimy git? When had he gained self control? Ron shook his head in disgust and followed the others out of the room, sometimes he wondered if he and Harry were as close as they used to be.

---

"We need to talk," Severus said the second his door closed behind them.

"Clearly," Harry replied, taking a seat, clearly comfortable in Severus' rooms now.

Severus sat opposite him and took a moment to figure out how to phrase what he needed to say. He really didn't know how to have this conversation so he decided just to go at it blindly, and hope for the best.

"You seem to be under the impression that it is possible for the two of us to have sex," he said quietly, as if saying to too loudly would give away how much he wanted it, regardless of the complications. "It is not possible, and it is not going to happen."

"Why are you resisting your own lust?" Harry asked, tone casual. "It's not healthy, you know."

"Why are you so intent on fucking me?!" Severus yelled suddenly, unable to hold it in any longer.

"It is really so strange for someone to be attracted to you?"

"Yes! I'm old, Harry, much older than you. I'm a teacher, it's against the law! Not to mention you've gone from hating me to wanting me so suddenly that you'll probably be disgusted with yourself before its even over. And it goes without saying that my physical appearance is lacking...a lot."

"I don't care about any of that, you idiot, those aren't valid arguments!"

Severus sighed and looked longingly at his liquor cabinet. He really wasn't very good at pulling convincing arguments out of thin air, he probably should have planned what he was going to say before hunting down Harry.

"I don't think I could...." Severus sighed angrily, he didn't want to talk about it, it was so personal. "I don't think I could handle being topped, Harry. I don't think I need to tell you why."

"About bloody time," Harry snapped.

Severus blinked, completely surprised and confused by Harry's sudden change in mood and the comment itself.

"I don't und-"

"It's about time you admitted the issue!"

Severus stared at him, trying to figure out if he should be insulted or scared by the maturity that was obviously coming.

"I've known all along that the only possible reason a sexual relationship would not work out between us would be the fact neither wishes to be submissive. In admitting this you've accepted your fear of being in such a vulnerable position, having seen the worst of that already, and you can move on. We can work that out as we go."

"How old are you?" Severus muttered.

"I'm not some sexual predator, Severus, just like I'm not a child. I'm not going to force you to do anything. If it wasn't for the fact I can see your lust for me, I would have given up by now thinking you really didn't want to!"

Severus leaned on his desk and buried his head in his hands. Harry had just slaughtered his argument, the only real argument he had. He couldn't deny that he was attracted to Harry, not while Harry was in possession of his Charm at least. He knew that the age argument was useless as Harry showed a sexual maturity that bested his own. He also knew that his position as teacher didn't really matter as there was a loophole in the law against it that he could easily use to avoid conviction.

Severus was an adult male, not a natural sub and he'd witnessed a lot of rape. Very valid reasons not to pursue a sexual relationship with a dominant male, however Harry was right, admitting his fear meant it would be easier to work through. The fact the he himself had never been raped meant that he had no reason to be truly afraid. His true fear laid in the fact that he had seen the pain caused in positions like that, Harry and Draco being the one exception.

There was also a part of Severus that was repulsed and afraid of allowing another person, regardless of gender or age, control over him.

"The first guy I had sex with was a natural sub, so I didn't have to worry about much, I just made sure he was never on top of me, but he ended up being a bastard anyway and it didn't work."

Severus looked up again, not understanding why Harry was telling him that. Harry motioned for him to stay silent and continued.

"The second guy, I wasn't so lucky. It's a very big issue for me, having seen all that. It took a while to find someone who actually accepted it, girls were the easier option, Draco was the only one who never pushed the boundaries I set up, but there was still something missing."

Severus blinked and once again looked longingly at his liquor bottles, all lined up in a pretty little row. He knew where this was going; more very convincing reasons why he and Harry would work through a sexual relationship. It really frustrated Severus that Harry could be so mature about this, and shut down every one of his arguments. The picture it made reeked of dubious consent, but he knew that if he told Harry that he seriously didn't want to, and his Aura confirmed it, Harry would stop pursuing him in an instant. He really hated that he couldn't do that.

"You wanted to know why I was so intent on pursuing you. I'd never considered it before you caught Draco and I together. You'd unwittingly walked in during a time when I was beginning to realise how pointless it was to be fucking him. It was your eyes at first, I'm pathetically weak for a good set of eyes. And then there was the obvious irony of turning on a teacher that hates you. But then I got to thinking about it, and I became curious. You know why I'm terrified of being topped, Draco accepted submission but he could never understand why he had to. You and I would work and maybe after a while, and I think the sex will be better then because of it. And who knows, maybe you can help me with my issues as well."

Severus gave up and summoned a bottle of whisky. After downing a glass or two, all while Harry very calmly and patiently watched, he finally felt brave enough to broach the next great issue.

"Do you understand the level of intimacy and trust this will require and eventually create?"

Harry observed him for a while before answering. This was the true test of Harry's maturity, his ability to understand the emotional needs of others before his own sexual needs. If Harry passed this test then his age was insignificant. It also made the situation that much more surreal.

"Yes," he replied carefully. "It is highly likely we will form an emotional attachment similar to, if not actually love simply through the amount of trust and intimacy, and not to mention time, it will all take."

Severus downed more whisky. He just couldn't understand why Harry was still pushing for this while knowing that not only did Severus fear the vulnerable state a sexual relationship with Harry would put him in, but also the intimacy it would require and create. For a second Severus wondered whether Harry even realised that Severus feared that intimacy, then shook himself off. Of course Harry knew about his fear, or he wouldn't be approaching the subject in the ways that he was.

Severus could not afford those kinds of ties to anyone. He was a spy, a Death Eater in name and some actions, he wasn't worthy. Anyone he was involved with would be in danger, from both sides. If Voldemort knew Severus had a lover, and Severus was exposed as a spy then Voldemort would stop at nothing to use that lover against him.

But Harry was already in danger.

Harry understood danger and the need for secrecy. Harry knew how to keep secrets. Harry knew exactly how to approach this situation, he knew what words and actions to use to slowly show Severus that he could be trusted. They could have sex without fear of the other getting hurt by association, they were both already in danger anyway. Now Severus understood why Harry thought the sex would be better between them, being without that fear would make all the difference. When Harry was fucking Draco, he must have always been worried about what would happen to Draco if word got out.

At that moment in time, as in the days and weeks following Severus' first exposure to Harry Potter as a sexual being, Harry Potter was far older than Severus himself. Severus could not use age as an excuse. He racked his brains and came to the realisation that he couldn't use any excuse because his desire for Harry overrode any excuses he could think of.

Severus sighed and stood. He wandered over to the enchanted window and looked out over the grounds of Hogwarts. He wanted Harry so much, but at this stage it was only lust, and if Harry left him alone, removed himself from his life, then he would get over it. If he pursued Harry, then it would most likely deepen into something more than lust, and that scared him.

Would it be so bad just to try it out? Harry seemed mature enough, it wouldn't be toying with his emotions, although Severus still wasn't sure about Harry's true feelings on the matter.

Harry stood and walked over to him, still just watching and not talking, not pushing. After a few minutes he placed a hand on Severus' arm. Severus nearly laughed as he realised only seconds after he decided to agree with Harry, Harry touched him, as if he had known.

Then again, he probably had.

Severus turned and looked down at Harry, finding himself unable to read the boy's face, as he so often could. It seemed Harry was guarding himself even while trying to convince Severus to let his shields down. The look in Harry's eyes was unreadable, and it drew Severus in.

Severus cursed himself for everything wrong with what he was going to do. He reminded himself of their situations, but it didn't make a difference. Reminders of the age difference did not stop him from leaning closer to Harry. Thoughts of how others would view a sexual relationship between them did not stop his hand from reaching out to touch Harry's neck. The fact that Severus had hated Harry until just over five weeks ago did not stop their lips from touching, in fact, it made the kiss more searing, as if Severus was proving something, although he didn't know what.

Severus thought that the lips of a teenager would be somehow different. That they would feel like _something_, something that would make him realise what he was doing and stop. He thought that his conscience would kick in, only it didn't.

Harry's skin was hot under Severus' fingertips as they skimmed over his neck and into his hair. Severus' other hand snaked around the boys waist and drew him closer. Harry obliged and allowed Severus this control, although he kept a hand pressed against Severus' chest between them, clearly ready to push if he became uncomfortable.

And Severus would let him.

The second Harry felt too dominated, too under Severus' control he would push away, and Severus would let him without hesitation, without resentment. And he knew that it would be the same if their roles were reversed. He understood what Harry meant, what he would have been missing in everyone else he was involved with.

It happened after a few minutes. Severus had been unconsciously moving them back until Harry's was gently pressed against a wall, and that was too much for him. He pushed Severus away instantly. Severus took it further by taking a few steps back, showing Harry he understood the situation.

He understood that being pressed against a stone wall had nothing to do with the rape Harry had witnessed, and everything to do with having been pressed against stone, tied to stone, in the graveyard while Voldemort rose.

Severus paled as he realised the intimacy had already started. He felt a spike of anger towards Harry for the entire situation. Harry was making him confront his fears when he'd said he hadn't wanted to. He used a charm to see Severus' emotions towards him and used that to coerce Severus into agreeing. It was just so unfair.

"Enough for today?" Harry asked quietly.

Severus looked up and realised he must have been silent for a while, mulling over his thoughts. He nodded once, not looking Harry in the eye.

He saw Harry nod in his peripheral and leave quietly.

---

The feel of Harry's lips haunted Severus for days. It took all his willpower not to stare at Harry at every opportunity. Harry still watched Severus, but he was far more subtle about it, maybe because the looks he was giving Severus were vastly less innocent than the curiosity from before.

Severus particularly hated the smug look Harry would get when Severus felt a strong surge of lust. It reminded Severus that he really needed to find out where Harry acquired his charm. However that thought reminded him that it was only one week before the end of the year and the holidays.

Severus didn't know how he felt about the prospect of time away from Harry, he knew he should feel relieved, but the lust needed to be resolved. Although, as head of the Order of the Phoenix, he was sure that he could arrange for Harry to spend the holidays with him, for his training.

Severus shook his head suddenly. He could not abuse his position like that, even though Harry's training needed to continue.

Severus was in his chambers, staring at his fireplace. He always found the way the firelight flickered over the stone walls incredibly soothing when he was stressed. Moody was due to arrive for a meeting any minute. It would be the first meeting he'd have with him since he began training Harry. Severus knew he would not give his desire for Harry away, he was too skilled at hiding his thoughts and emotions, only something like Harry's charm could see through his barriers, and even then it was limited.

Severus was afraid that Moody would suggest Harry stay with him over the holidays. Severus had been given a manor when he was inducted into the Order that was devoid of tracking and surveillance spells, unlike most Order safehouses, so there was no danger of Dumbledore finding out. Although this was exactly what Severus wanted, he knew it shouldn't happen. He would never allow himself to suggest it, but if Moody did, then he knew he would not be able to resist. The boy could easily carry on his training during the holidays without Severus, he wouldn't advance much but it would help with his self-discipline.

Just the thought of spending the entire holidays alone with Harry.... Severus picked up a random object from his desk to distract himself with; he didn't need to be thinking about Harry before a meeting.

"Severus," Moody suddenly barked from behind him.

Severus dropped the object he was holding, resulting in the tinkling sound of shattering glass, it turned out to have been a vial of some potion. He spun around with his wand pointing at Moody before he realised it was the Auror.

"Jesus, Moody, don't do that!" he snapped, repairing the vial and then putting his wand away.

"Jesus? Since when do you use muggle curses?" Moody asked, sitting in the chair next to Severus.

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. "Jesus is a religious figurehead to muggles, not a curse." And he had _not_ picked that up from Harry.

Alastor raised his eyebrow but didn't reply. He stared into the fireplace.

"How are things progressing with Potter? Minerva has been keeping us updated but only on the progress of his training. She isn't even supposed to know about it, sly old minx."

Severus repressed a shudder at the implication behind _sly old minx_.

"I don't understand what you mean," he said carefully.

Moody sighed. He turned more to face Severus, and seemed to search his face for something, in a sort of hopeless kind of way. He knew he would not see something Severus did not want him to see but he tried anyway.

"I know I said that your animosity didn't matter and to leave things out if it was necessary but Dumbledore has been expressing concerns," Moody said quietly. "He thinks your stress is due to being a spy, he wants to pull you out."

Severus' heart froze. He couldn't cease his spying, it was the Order's only hope in the war. He knew all of Voldemort's plans, he was the only person Voldemort trusted. He was the only one who could bring about his defeat, save for Harry.

"I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, Severus. Do you still hate the Potter boy?"

Severus repressed a sigh of relief. For a moment he had thought that Moody somehow knew what was happening between himself and Harry. Not that anything really was happening, he thought to himself with a certain sense of resentment.

"I don't hate the boy, Alastor, I don't think I ever truly did. Things were harder near the beginning but we are working better together than before."

"Then what is making you so stressed? Albus said you are twitchy whenever you are around large crowds of people, especially during meal times when you hardly ever eat."

Severus inwardly groaned. For all that he been doing to hide his desire for Harry, he hadn't been hiding his stress. He supposed it was inevitable that Dumbledore notice _something_, but he believed it was better to have this happen sooner rather than later.

"Training the boy is harder than I thought, although we are getting along better than before, it's still difficult," he explained tiredly.

"How so?"

Severus shot Moody a glare. He was making this up as he went along and obviously Moody knew it, or he would have dropped the subject.

"I'm training the boy to die, Alastor, is that supposed to be easy?" he snapped.

Moody flinched and sank deeper into his chair. He didn't reply for a while and during that time Severus found that what he had said wasn't a lie at all. He was worried about Harry, he was concerned about his task. He'd thought all his stress was unrelieved sexual tension but it wasn't; Severus was stressed about the training, only he hadn't noticed. Denial.

"He has a better chance with you than he ever did with Albus, than he'd ever have with any of us," Moody said quietly. "Try to remember that."

"I do try, but he's just a boy, he'll likely be facing Voldemort before he is sufficiently trained. If it wasn't for that damned prophecy!"

"Have you told him about that yet?" Moody asked sharply.

Severus sent him a glare. He rose and searched through his desk drawer before taking his seat next to Moody again. In his hands was a small glowing vial. If Moody hadn't mentioned it, he might have let himself forget to put it out for Harry. Deep down he really was a coward.

"I wouldn't dare keep that from him the way Dumbledore did," he said softly, rolling the vial between his fingers.

"And your part in his parents' deaths?"

Severus shuddered. Moody had the decency to look apologetic for bringing it up, but didn't take back the question, and stared expectantly at Severus.

"I am telling him that tonight, I do not expect it to go well," he said, looking at the vial. "It will be better if he sees, rather than be told."

"So you can make your escape while he is preoccupied?"

"No, so he doesn't imagine it worse or better than it was," Severus ground out. If he clenched his jaw any tighter he'd give himself a headache within minutes.

Moody sighed and pulled a few papers from his pocket.

"Here is some information to keep Voldemort's trust in you strong, the people involved are prepared and willing."

"I don't even need to be feeding him information for him to trust me, I've told you that," Severus said darkly.

"It can't hurt."

Severus let out a bitter laugh.

"It can kill the poor bastards involved."

"They know the risks, as do we all. But if you don't want to feed this to him then that is your decision," Moody said, standing abruptly. "If the boy doesn't hate you forever after tonight, it would probably be wise for him to spend the holidays with you for extra training. Again, the decision is up to you."

Moody left without a farewell and Severus was left alone. He screwed his eyes shut and forced himself not to think about the holidays, he couldn't spend it with Harry. Although he needed the training, Severus was still opposed to the way their relationship was heading, he didn't want it to turn sexual, but at the same time he _needed_ it to.

He sighed and forced all thoughts of his sexual frustration from his mind, he had bigger problems to think about. He settled into his chair with his memories in hand, and waited for Harry to arrive.

* * *

Thoughts?


End file.
